I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
