Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
