Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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