I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
