Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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