***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
