He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
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