I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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