I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
