Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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