I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
