I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
