Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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