Soap is not a condiment
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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