I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
