there's paper in my vomit.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
