idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize