apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
