You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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