a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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