I think I won the penis lottery.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
