from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
