The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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