Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
