I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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