You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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