I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
