you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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