I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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