she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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