Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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