i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
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