Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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