I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
