I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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