My friends, they love my intelligence
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
