like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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