I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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