So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
