I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize