We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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