dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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