Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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