This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
