you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
