Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
