hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
