You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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