We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
