I think my fart just growled at me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
