From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize