shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
