Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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