Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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