"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize