i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
