i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
