The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
