so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
