I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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