The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
