$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
