we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
